The S Word

Why you should remove "should" as soon as possible.

I should eat better.

I should really get out of bed.

I should tell my partner about that.

I should really remember that.

I should never do that again.

I know I should exercise.

I know I should practice self-care.

I should get back to the gym.

I should read more.

I should talk less.

I should drink more water.

I should stop scrolling.

I should ask for a raise.

I should study.

I should get a new job.

I should really get off the couch.

I should stop drinking alcohol.

I should walk the dog.

I know I should call my mom.

I know I should schedule a doctor’s appointment.

I know I should …

And that’s just a few. From the week!

Do you ever have these thoughts?

Of course you do! And you already know they hold you back, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

We know what we should do. Or what we think we’re “supposed” to do. So why don’t we just do it?

The moment you think “I should”, you’ve already lost. “Should” does not signal a plan or a commitment or a negotiation or an intention.

You might feel enlightened or proud that you’ve recognized a flaw or something you want to improve. Or you might feel temporarily energetic and motivated – but then the action still doesn’t happen.

So what’s going on?

Words don’t matter

Understanding and producing spoken and written language is a fairly recently evolved cognitive process, and we have really only started to understand language processing on a neural level within the last 150 years. What is clear is that the brain does not understand words, at least not in the way we think. We take in “information” and the brain translates it into energy states, patterns of electrochemical activity, predictions, and felt bodily states. Those physical sensations are then re-interpreted as thoughts and emotions, and they largely dictate our decisions and behaviour (unless we train ourselves out of that). There’s a famous neuroscientist, Antonio Damasio, who is one of the first to show that cognition is inseparable from the body. Every mental event has a physical correlate. You can experience this if you simply imagine standing in line for your favourite ride at an amusement park – you might notice a change in your breathing, muscle tension, sensations in your fingers or toes, sweat response. There are also underlying changes in your autonomic tone and hormonal state with this simple imagination exercise or mental event. Damasio called these “somatic markers”, or those physical states that lead to emotions and guide our decision-making before our conscious reasoning even enters the picture.

So when you think you think the word “should”, your brain doesn’t process a linguistic input. It converts your physical experience – of fear, laziness, sleepiness, tiredness – into a word that will preserve the energy you think it will take to overcome. Because of this energy gap, cognitively speaking, “should” is a reaction to a low-grade threat.

Lisa Feldman Barrett’s theory of constructed emotion builds on this. Our brains are prediction machines, constantly running forward models of what the body is likely to need next. When you think “should”, it doesn’t file it under a future desirable action. It files it under an unresolved deficit and causes a stress response.

Interesting – so I’m feeling something that isn’t real?

Yeah! Like most things.

The body responds to your perceived gap between what you are doing and what you “should” be doing the same way it will respond to a mild threat. The sympathetic nervous system is activated, there is a rise in cortisol, and attentional focus narrows. But you probably won’t notice most of this. Cognitively, you’ve associated a hypothetical task – the gym, the conversation, the study session – with a stress response. And your brain, whose primary driver is to protect you from threat, now has a very “good” (convenient) reason to avoid it.

This is a mechanism behind what researchers Fuschia Sirois and Timothy Pychyl describe for procrastination as an emotional regulation problem (and we agree). Delaying is the brain’s short-term strategy for escaping a negative affective state. The “should” itself is enough to create that state. Avoidance is a downstream consequence.

There’s a psychological theory coined by psychologist E Tory Higgins around this called the “self-discrepancy theory”, which is basically the gap between your actual self and who you believe you’re “supposed” to be. This consistently produces feelings of anxiousness and inhibition. Every “should” is a reminder and every reminder widens that gap. And that’s a trap!

The more you should, the worse you feel, the harder it becomes to act, and the more evidence your brain collects that you are someone who doesn’t follow through.

There is no such thing as “should”.

Should you get out of bed? Yes and hell no.

Should you go for a walk? Of course, and absolutely not.

There are only your priorities and what matters to you.

“Should” is like the energy loophole. It’s a clever way for your brain to convince you that the energy it will take to get up off the couch is too much or isn’t worth it. It creates the feeling of having engaged with the problem, without any of the cost of actually solving it. Psychologist Roy Baumeister’s research on self-regulation shows how the very act of this mental negotiation, “I should, but…” depletes the same cognitive resources you would need to actually act.

Bluma Zeigarnik’s classic finding adds another point to this. Incomplete tasks and unresolved intentions create persistent cognitive drain. Open loops continue drawing on your mental bandwidth until they are closed.

“Should” takes energy. A lot of it.

What do I do?

Perhaps replace the “s” word with the “f” word and do it anyway.

“I should go to the gym” becomes “I’m f**ing going to exercise.”

You already know what to do. The question is what prevents you from doing it.

Let’s help your brain out.

What do you see, not in words, when you hear or read “I should go to the gym”?

Do you imagine yourself laying in bed, or sitting on the couch, or scrolling?

Now – what do you see, in pictures, when you hear or read “I’m [bleeping] going to exercise.”

Do you imagine yourself getting up, moving faster, putting shoes on?

What does it feel like? Do you feel lighter? More “inspired” or “motivated”?

See how those physical sensations come into play?

This shift in language processing allows us to reorient ourselves and reclaim our agency. Research on implementation intentions consistently shows that specifying when, where, and how an action will happen (goals!) will increase follow-through at least 2-3x. You move into commitment and away from unhelpful loops.

The best exercises to grow your glutes

Here’s another example.

Suppose you want to know what exercises you “should” be doing to achieve a particular physical look in your glutes. You start scrolling or asking questions in your AI of choice. An hour later, you’ve settled on an answer that feels good. But will you do it?

If you are asking that question, “what exercise should I do for _____?” chances are you likely already know the answer. Clever derivations are “what are the best exercises for [enter condition] or “best foods to eat for toned abs”.

First, moving your body is a good thing. Safely, appropriately, and with intention.

Next, break the goal up, and be realistic. If you want to “grow your glutes”, understand what your physical limitations and requirements will be to achieve that within a specific time frame. If you know exercises like squats and deadlifts and kickbacks and hip thrusts work the gluteus muscles, then what question are you really asking? What answer are you looking for? How much additional cognitive energy are you willing to spend on piecing together an answer for what you “should” do, instead of just doing something?

You have a choice

Go back to the energy drain that happens when things remain open. If you reframe “should” as that you’re going to do it now, or you are actually doing it now, that closes that loop and saves you (a ton of) energy. You can also choose not to do it, though. You can reframe to “I will not be doing this” or “I will not be doing this now / today” and that will close the loop as well. “Should” leaves it permanently open. The point is to decide, and not to decide based on your feelings alone. And if you’ve already made that decision, you’ll save yourself a lot of headache – literally.

“Should” is straddling identity. It’s straddling commitment. It’s signaling that there’s a decision to be made, and the sooner it’s made, the better. No one likes sitting in the waiting room longer than they have to, right?

Mental strength takes practice

The next time you notice yourself thinking you “should” do something, thank your brain for flagging it, and decide to do it in the moment, or decide not to do it at all. Close the loop, and refocus on what you need to accomplish next.

Building mental strength means overcoming that kind of resistance. Do not let the weight of deferred “shoulds” drag you down.

Cut the S word and move forward.

About the authors

Sara L. Farwell, PhD, is a cognitive scientist, certified nutrition coach and physical fitness instructor, and mentor to professions and students. She studies and writes about physiology, energy, recovery, and the mind–body axis for sustainable performance and change.

Maciej D. Zatonski, MD, PhD is a double board-certified physician, author, husband, and parent. He is an executive leadership coach specialising in cognitive performance, decision-making, and resilience under pressure and in complex, demanding environments.

References

Damasio, A. R. (1994). Descartes’ Error: Emotion, Reason, and the Human Brain. Putnam.

Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

Kodden, B. (2020). The Art of Sustainable Performance: The Zeigarnik Effect. In: The Art of Sustainable Performance. SpringerBriefs in Business. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-46463-9_10

Sirois, F. and Pychyl, T. (2013), Procrastination and the Priority of Short-Term Mood Regulation: Consequences for Future Self. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7: 115-127. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12011

Zeigarnik, B. (1927). Über das Behalten von erledigten und unerledigten Handlungen. Psychologische Forschung, 9, 1–85.

Gollwitzer, P. M. (1999). Implementation intentions: Strong effects of simple plans. American Psychologist, 54(7), 493–503.

Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Muraven, M., & Tice, D. M. (1998). Ego depletion: is the active self a limited resource?. Journal of personality and social psychology, 74(5), 1252–1265. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.74.5.1252

Bosse, T., Jonker, C. M., & Treur, J. (2008). Formalization of Damasio's theory of emotion, feeling and core consciousness. Consciousness and cognition, 17(1), 94–113. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2007.06.006