Validation or Feedback? Most of us get it wrong!
How to seek useful feedback and harness the uncomfortable to maximise personal and professional growth?
Many workplaces have routinely implemented annual feedback as a part of performance review processes. Such feedback is typically collected in a non-systematic way by employees themselves. Or, submitting “feedback” into the HR system is put to the last minute and becomes an agenda item before the department holiday party kicks off.
Some corporations offer feedback sessions or platforms for feedback to employees to use for their own personal development.
In my 20 years of working in large institutions, from NHS to Academia, from large pharmaceutical companies to small biotechs, I have learned that what most people believe is feedback, is in fact… validation. And it DOES NOT help you grow or develop. It is keeping you stuck.
Let’s define the terms
What Is Feedback?
Feedback is about growth. It provides insight into what’s working and what isn’t. Feedback gives you direction for improvement but it does not measure your worth.
What Is Validation?
Validation is the acknowledgment and acceptance of someone’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It confirms an individual’s perspective (see: confirmation bias). Validation is about emotional reassurance. It offers no benefits apart from making you feel good. For a moment. While validation feels good in the short term, it weakens a probably already fragile sense of self. And in the workplace, it hinders your progress.
What is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem refers to your confidence in your worth, abilities, or morals. It encompasses beliefs about yourself, as well as accompanying emotional states. Smith and Mackie define self-esteem as the positive or negative evaluations of the self, reflecting how we feel about ourselves.
Psychology has recognised self-esteem as a desirable construct, associated with various positive outcomes. The benefits of high self-esteem are believed to include improved mental and physical health, reduced anti-social behaviour, while low self-esteem has been linked to anxiety, loneliness, and increased susceptibility to substance abuse.
Relying on Validation is Dangerous!
Relying heavily on external validation can limit personal insight and lead to unstable self-esteem. Although receiving positive reactions may offer temporary comfort, a constant search for approval can harm long-term development. Below are ten ways a fragile sense of self undermines progress, along with notes on why focusing only on emotions—despite feeling satisfying—often stalls true advancement.
Avoidance of Meaningful Risk
Individuals who depend on others’ opinions may shy away from challenging tasks out of fear of criticism or failure. By avoiding risk, they reduce opportunities for personal and professional skill-building (Crocker & Park, 2004).Lack of Genuine Self-Knowledge
A sense of identity built mostly on external praise can limit honest self-reflection. A person might adopt what they believe others want, instead of building a stable sense of personal values (Harter, 1999).Emotional Volatility
Self-worth that hinges on others’ approval can lead to dramatic shifts in mood. The individual experiences euphoria when validated and anxiety or shame when criticized. This volatility disrupts consistent performance and well-being (Rosenberg, 1965).Reduced Resilience
When setbacks arise, those with fragile self-esteem often feel shaken to the core. They may interpret mistakes as proof of inadequacy, making it harder to bounce back or learn from challenges (Crocker & Park, 2004).Impaired Decision-Making
A priority on seeking approval can distort judgement. Decisions become guided by the need to please others, rather than critical thinking or core goals (Deci & Ryan, 2000)Over-reliance on Short-Term Affirmation
People who chase frequent praise may choose actions that yield immediate emotional rewards instead of strategies that build long-range success (Crocker & Park, 2004)Inauthentic Relationships
A constant quest for reassurance can prompt behavior changes aimed at winning praise, rather than fostering sincere connections. Over time, this performance-based approach can erode trust (Harter, 1999).Fear of Dissent
Constructive criticism can become overwhelming when one’s esteem is vulnerable. This fear may prevent constructive dialogue and hinder growth, both in personal interactions and team settings (Crocker & Park, 2004).Imbalance of Effort
Limited energy is spent on activities that bolster short-lived emotional highs rather than nurturing real competence. Consequently, professional growth stalls, and personal milestones remain unfulfilled (Deci & Ryan, 2000).Perpetual Comparison
Excessive focus on how one measures up to others can become a cycle of self-doubt. Constant comparison reinforces a fragile self-image, diminishing intrinsic motivation and satisfaction (Rosenberg, 1965).
EXERCISE:
Reflect on two examples of seeking feedback - one at work, and one in personal life.
Why did you ask for feedback? What was the response you were hoping for / expected? What did you receive? How does feedback feel, typically compared to validation?
When somebody asks „Does this dress make me look fat?” what is the person seeking? Are you making them a favour by providing validation? How does this make you feel? Does it benefit the other person?
Emotions Will Not Help You Progress
Narrow Attention to Feeling Good: Zeroing in on feeling validated may steer attention away from learning processes. While acknowledging emotions are part of healthy self-awareness, prioritising emotional approval above all else often keeps a person stuck.
Lack of Concrete Action: Emotions offer momentary boosts, yet they do not inherently produce measurable improvements. Without actionable steps, progress remains limited to fleeting surges of motivation.
Insufficient Skill Development: Continuous self-reflection on one’s emotional state, without adding concrete practice or feedback, leaves skills underdeveloped. Mastery requires targeted learning and consistent application.
So if you want to grow, you need to know how to create a feedback system that will move you forwards in your personal and professional life.
Here is the complete guide:
Let’s Start with Practical Solutions
The Importance of Developing an Internal Feedback System
If we rely solely on external validation, our emotional well-being becomes contingent upon the reactions of others. This renders us susceptible, as even the slightest criticism or absence of approval can leave us feeling disheartened. However, when we establish an internal feedback mechanism, we acquire the capacity to assess our progress objectively.
Internal feedback encourages us to:
Trust our instincts and personal values.
Learn from both successes and failures.
Make adjustments without needing constant approval from others.
This doesn’t mean we ignore feedback from others—it simply means we become better at filtering it. The goal is to take feedback as useful input while relying primarily on our own judgment for personal growth.
Be mindful: Feedback is based on someone else’s perception or opinion, therefore representing someone else’s personal reality (not objective reality). Use it as a guide, if you see patterns of input, but be wary to act on feedback from only one source (for example only one workplace, or only from home, etc).
How to Build a Positive Feedback Mechanism
Here are a few practical steps to cultivate a healthy feedback system that supports your well-being:
Shift the Focus to Process, Not Outcome
Rather than focusing solely on the result, pay attention to the effort and learning process. This helps to avoid chasing “perfection”. Ask yourself:
What did I learn from this experience?
How did I show up for myself?
Develop a Regular Reflection Routine
Reflection (indexing) allows you to create space for internal feedback. This practice makes feedback an ongoing part of your growth instead of something you wait to receive from others. At the end of each day or week, ask yourself:
What went well?
What didn’t go as expected?
What can I improve moving forward?
Reframe Criticism as Data, Not Judgment
When you receive external feedback—especially criticism—treat it as neutral information. Instead of taking it personally, view it as input to evaluate and use, if relevant. This shift will help you detach your self-worth from others’ opinions.
Set Your Own Success Metrics
Decide what success means for you. Create personal goals and standards that align with your values. When you define your own metrics, external feedback becomes secondary, and you stay grounded in what matters most to you.
Celebrate Your Efforts and Milestones
Acknowledging your small wins reinforces positive habits and boosts confidence. Take time to reflect on how far you’ve come, even if no one else notices. This builds inner motivation and helps you keep moving forward.
Seek Feedback Selectively
Not all feedback is worth acting on. Choose carefully whose opinions you value and why. Feedback from trusted sources—people who understand your goals—will be more useful than general opinions.
The Benefits of a Balanced Feedback System
When you develop a positive feedback mechanism, your relationship with feedback changes. You become more self-aware, less dependent on others’ approval, and more focused on growth. Over time, you’ll experience a deeper sense of fulfillment, as your growth becomes intentional and self-directed. With a healthy internal feedback system, even setbacks and mistakes become opportunities for learning rather than sources of shame. This balance helps you:
Build confidence in your abilities.
Develop emotional resilience, making you less reactive to criticism.
Align your actions with personal values and goals, rather than external expectations.
You Need Feedback, Not Validation
Chasing validation will undermine self-efficacy, disrupt steady emotional regulation, and block growth in both personal and professional arenas. Although praise can provide short-term comfort, it detracts from the deeper efforts required for lasting advancement.
Balancing awareness of emotions with objective feedback and measured action promotes a healthier sense of self and encourages meaningful progress.
People often seek validation because it plays a central role in how individuals form self-esteem, establish social connections, and maintain emotional well-being. Several psychological and social factors contribute to this desire for approval.
According to Baumeister and Leary (1995), humans have a basic need for social attachment. Receiving confirmation and positive feedback from others strengthens feelings of acceptance and belonging within a community, family, or peer group. Validation can momentarily bolster self-esteem. Carl Rogers, a prominent psychologist, suggested that having genuine acceptance from others can support a more positive self-concept (although this has not been shown in practice to be a long-lasting effect).
Self-worth however must come from within. When validation is the main source of self-worth, individuals struggle to feel confident or make decisions without approval. Their self-image can become unstable, changing based on how people around them react. Constantly looking for others’ opinions can create distress and pressure.
Most of us overthink how we appear or behave, leading to worries about judgment or rejection. Many people have a tendency to compare themselves to peers and social norms (Festinger, 1954). When comparisons align with external standards, people may perceive validation as evidence that they are “on the right track.” The consequences of the false sense of the right progress however, can be devastating, despite being psychologically comforting.
Prioritising external affirmation often leads to shaping your behaviour according to what others find acceptable. This prevents genuine self-expression and stifle personal growth.
Furthermore, continual seeking of validation can leave you vulnerable to manipulative behaviour from those who notice and exploit this dependence. It also encourages a reliance on external sources for emotional support rather than developing internal resilience.
Those who need others’ endorsement typically struggle to think independently. Their actions and choices revolve more around pleasing or impressing others, rather than following personal values or objectives.
With the exercises provided in this guide, you will be able to create a meaningful, developmental feedback framework that will dramatically accelerate your development.
Learning how to spot, minimise, and avoid external validation is a critical step to your success. Start now. And if there is someone who would benefit from reading this guide, please show your generosity by sharing it with them!
References
Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-Centered Therapy. Houghton Mifflin.
Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships, as developed in the client-centered framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: A study of a science (Vol. 3, pp. 184–256). McGraw-Hill.
Stone, D. & Heen, S. (2015). Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well. Penguin Books.
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
Gottman, J. M. (1993). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 6–15.
Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Harter, S. (1999). The construction of the self: A developmental perspective. Guilford Press.
Rosenberg, M. (1965). Society and the adolescent self-image. Princeton University Press.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.