Behavioural Loops

Why do we ruin good things? And how do we fix it?

Today we will explore what has very likely destroyed your past personal or professional relationships as well as many other things that matter to you.

I can also tell you that this is probably the same thing that has drained your mood and your energy levels in life. And maybe it’s the one thing that made you connect to the wrong people in your relationships and in your jobs. It is what has likely ruined your sense of peace in life…

We are NOT talking about habits. We are not talking about “mindsets”. We are talking about…

Your “Intuition”¹

In neuroscience, we call this a “Behavioural Loop”, which I prefer to call an Emotional Tendency (ET): things you get looped into, or that you have a tendency to get emotionally sucked into.

You might recognise this quiet voice that tells you, “I need that thing, even if it is bad for me; even if it hurts”.

The Harsh Reality

The following paragraph may be harsh for you to read, so please consider this as a warning as we proceed to unwrap the concept of your Emotional Tendencies.

Your brain does not instruct you to do what is healthy, smart, or good for you. Your brain runs a congenital script (think of it like of an app on a smartphone) that assumes that if you are familiar with something already, and it has not killed you, it must be “good” for you. Therefore, for your nervous system the script is simple:

Familiar = Good; Unknown = Bad

The problem? It has nothing to do with reality…

Humans are very predictable. Not because they we stupid, but because our nervous systems are survival-oriented (and are very, very good at this). Your brain does NOT want new things. It wants old things that it already knows how to survive.

• This is why someone who grew up in a chaotic environment (broken families, distress at home, abusive parent) will feel bored, or even threatened when there is peace.

• This is exactly why if you were ignored as a child, you are likely to be “addicted” to people who give you no attention, or take their attention away on a very regular basis.

• This is why someone who was not given any structure early on, will label a partner who is disciplined, accountable, selfless, transparent, and committed, as someone who is toxic, manipulative, or controlling.

• This is why someone you probably know was controlled as a child, learns and starts to control everybody else. And what do they call it? Leadership.

People are not chasing what you would assume they would chase: things and people that feel good, or because of their needs, decisions and values. They are chasing what feels familiar. What feels like home.

Even if home was hell…

How does the system work?

Write this down, or better - memorise it now.

If it feels familiar, it feels safe.
If it feels safe, it becomes attractive.
If it is attractive, it becomes repeated.

Familiar —> Safe —> Attractive —> Repeated…

You are not “choosing”. You are recycling what you have survived before.

Emotional Tendencies (ET)

Not all ETs look the same. Some are super loud and clear, others are barely noticeable. Today, we will take you through four types of ETs that you are going to see in the world around you, and maybe even in yourself.

1. The Mirror Loop

This pulls you towards people and towards environments that treat you the way that you were treated growing up. If your mother was distant, you will date somebody who is emotionally 1,000 miles away from you. If your father was critical, you are likely to find critical people in your social circles.

What does it look like in real life? Meet Maria: a female, in her mid 40s. Good career. Sharp. Charismatic. Intelligent. Successful. But every relationship ends in the same way: she is drawn to a certain tone of voice, that disapproving tone of voice (passive disapproval). It is not because she wants it. It simply feel like her mum. She did not like it when she was a child. In fact, she hated it as a kid. But it taught her how to love on a leash. Now, her inner compass draws her toward that type. It feels familiar. It feels like home.

2. The Echo Loop

This ET makes you re-create the pains you already know to provide you with illusion of control. That’s all. Your brain will push you to re-manufacture pain, so it feels familiar, and it gives you an illusion of control.

This is why it is not your workplace that makes you burnout. It is you choosing to burnout. You choose drama, because at least you are the one holding the match that lights the fire this time.

3. The Flip Loop

This ET “flips” your role. You become the thing that hurt you. If you felt powerless, you become the dominant one. If you ever felt invisible, you become the loudest voice in the room.

This is NOT healing. But it may feel like healing. It is a placebo for feeling better, but it does not make you better. It is an armour with a smile on it. It does not heal anything.

An example of “The Flip” is Charles, a person I know personally. He used to be very quiet, gentle, but got steamrolled on a regular basis when he was younger. Now he leads a team of 300, controls every decision in a large multinational pharmaceutical company. He keeps people on edge. He is respected. But no one is close to him at all. He says he is “focused on work” but he is not. He is terrified, scared, and has imposter syndrome. He was punished when he was vulnerable, so now he has become the punisher. He became the threat, so that he would not be threatened ever again. And it works - it is very effective. But it is lonely.

4. The Closure Loop

This one is a bit tricky. You keep finding people in life who resemble those who hurt you. Why would we even do that? Because we tell ourself made up stories. Rationalise. We hope. Pray. Believe: This time, I am finally going to make this... This time I am going to get love… This time, I will find this person, and I will learn how to control this type… No. You will not. Not this time. Not any other.

What does it look in real life? This goes back to Olivia, a woman that I coached a few years ago. She had a brilliant mind, amazing beautiful heart, but she kept falling for men who were really chaotic and destructive. And every time, she was trying to make her partners “feel better” so that they would finally love her back. What she did not realise was that she was actually chasing her mother.

She was volatile, never said “I love you”. So now Olivia is on a life-long quest to finally be enough for someone just like mum. Her “script” told her to find someone like mum, and complete the process - complete the unresolved story line. Not because this is good for her. But because this is her “unfinished business”. I told her that she was not dating men. She was dating the hope that this time the monster becomes safe.

Fuck… Now what?

If you have this internal voice, or know someone who has an internal voice that says: “You know what? He will fix it this time…”, “She can make it, she is really working on herself now…”, “He is going to make it, start making it all right…”…

It is a trap. It is a lie. It is an illusion. It is a fantasy.

Make sure this sinks in. Just because something pulls you, it does not mean that it is right for you. It simply matched your oldest pain. The script you acquired first.

Here is how you can break those loops: